"To approach the spiritual in art, one will make as little use as possible of reality, because reality is opposed to the spiritual.”
I’ve been feeling “burnt out” on life lately - overwhelmed with so many things that I want to do, things that I need to do and things that I have to do. I tend to live life like I’m in some old Western where someone lines up a series of cans or bottles to shoot down. If I set up 50 cans / bottles each day and I shoot down 19, 8 or 47 of them, I feel as though I’ve succeeded. Don’t need to shoot ‘em all down. Just need to make the attempt. Obviously, I’m comparing the cans and bottles to time with friends, time with family, a job, a drawing, a painting, cooking a meal, lifting weights, etc.
I tend to prioritize shooting the drawing and painting cans down while only occasionally shooting down the others. Hey, at least it's a couple cans, right? That's a pretty good day or pretty good string of days, right? The more I consider it, the answer is, most likely, no. I tend to see people when I "can" and not very often. Interacting with others is a tad stressful and a huge drain of energy. It's something that I have to be prepared for like training for a sporting event. I've had a few friends for years that I only see a handful of times each year, if that. Same with my Mom, Dad and brothers. Not that I don't love nor care for them but I tend to put this "art" thing above all else.
The sad part about saying that is while you can have friends and family who will love you no matter what, having a girlfriend is a different matter entirely, especially if the aim at the age of almost 37 is to be getting married and having a family. You can't just push her to the side to be shot down when the gun is aimed in her direction. She is someone to be cared for. To listen to. To hold. To be there for. To spend a lot of time with. A great challenge, indeed. And one that I feel I am prepared for but the tendency is that after a couple or three days of "marital" closeness, I have to go away, to be alone, to reset... I know it's not anything that she's done that I'm dissatisified with but something that I have to do for myself in order to work at my art. I have to be "in me" not "in us."